Start With a Question

As prevalent as ever, Facebook made multiple appearances in news headlines this week. But this time, the headlines were not about just how much Mark Zuckerberg is worth in stocks, or how many billions of people are now Facebook users.  This time, the articles were about how Facebook has affected human relationships. Or, more appropriately, how Facebook has allowed humans to become even more wretched, uncensored, and uncontrolled than ever before.

The articles to which I am referring are Facebook “defriending” led to double murder, police say and Dad punishes Facebook post with 8 bullets to daughter’s laptop. The titles of these articles pique interest and draw readers in, as they were intended to do. It’s darkly entertaining to read about messed up people doing messed up things to other people who are far, far away from me.  Kind of pathetic – I know. Especially because something even darker is writhing beneath the surface of these seemingly comical pieces.

Nobody can deny the convenience that the Internet has brought to our daily lives. Certainly nobody can deny the ease with which social networking sites have allowed us to keep in touch with people far more easily than ever before (regardless of whether we should be maintaining contact with said people).  Also the truth: commenting on a status update or posting a message on someone’s “Wall” or “Timeline” is not the same as speaking to him. It’s not even the same as dropping a post card in the mail. I will even go so far as to say that social networking is, in actuality, anti-social behavior that does more harm than good.

Our addiction to the time-suck of social media sites has caused us to lose our ability to successfully navigate true social interactions. We awkwardly stumble through introductions and invitations, fail miserably at presentations, fill out sentences with insipid noises such as like, uh, you know, um, and just whatever sound slips out. Our vocabulary has been reduced to profanity and acronyms. We have lost our ability to work for reward or wait patiently because good things take time, and are left feeling lost, lonely, deserted, and unloved.  We turn to our websites, which proudly tell us how many friends we really have, and then sit alone in our rooms, stare at our computer screens, and feel lonelier than ever before. 

The feeling of anonymity that indirect communication provides brings with it feelings of empowerment and entitlement. We feel alone because we are alone; as a result, we write things we wouldn’t dare say if surrounded by a group of people. Our words are unedited, unchecked, and often unimportant, but when one is alone and lonely, one feels that everything must be said. To an electronic machine having no emotion or ability to respond. If I don’t say my piece to your face, I don’t have to deal with your possible range of reactions, and so I am safe in my cowardly bubble, far away from you and your judgment. Furthermore, we read posts without knowledge of the writer’s mood and intonation, and often read them far differently than intended, depending on the state of our internal emotions at the moment, which colors our understanding of the words and can spark discord immediately. But the bubble protects me again - if you don’t hear me say it, I can always argue that you “just misunderstood,” and can twist my meaning into whatever I need it to be in order to wriggle out of trouble. I don’t have to commit to an emotional style of delivery, and so I don’t have to deal with the consequences of my actions anymore.  Moreover, the speed of the Internet has made us impatient, which makes our feelings of entitlement dangerous. Why hasn’t ______ responded to my post yet?   Why hasn’t _____ RSVP’d to my event?  I can see that _____ is online, but he hasn’t tried to chat with me. Are we breaking up?

When I was young, teenagers would get their older friends to drive them by their love interest’s house just to see what was going on (find out who else’s car was in the driveway). Jealousy that could not be contained was dealt with in lunchroom fights and bathroom stall make-up sessions.  Now, however, we skulk about spying on one another, judging one another, reading everything about one another, and never once actively pursuing the building of a real relationship. Only now, instead of punching someone at lunch (not condoned!) and making up shortly thereafter, people are haunting one another anonymously, making vicious stabs with words, and publicly ending relationships in a way that humiliates the person on the slower end of the continuum.  This type of behavior, apparently, gets people killed.  And gets things shot.

On some level, I can understand that Scorned Dad wanted to make a clear stand to Rebellious Daughter to remind her who was the boss. She is, after all, living in his house, under his support, and therefore by his rules. And I can understand how Jenelle Potter, humiliated and defriended publicly for reasons unbeknownst to the rest of us, could feel like she wanted to kill someone. But there is a difference between feeling uncontrollable anger and actually sending your daddy to slit some throats to reclaim your honor, and there is a difference between posting an eight-plus-minute video of yourself condemning your child’s behavior for literally millions of people to view instead of talking to her yourself.

The problem is that we don’t ask questions anymore. What is written on the Internet must be the truth. If you don’t “Like” my post, then you must dislike it. If you “defriend” me for any reason, you must be trying to publicly insult me, and it couldn’t have anything to do with a broken relationship. In order to repair broken relationships, Internet or otherwise, you have to start speaking to one another again. Really speaking. So instead of sending out a hit man to take your heartbreaker off the list of the living, instead of pumping eight rounds into an electronic tool that, when used properly, can really help your child excel in school, why not start with a question? You could go with, “Have I done something to upset you?” Or, you could try something as simple as, “Why did you delete me from your Friends List?” It could make all the difference in your life. Literally.

Cited:

Ghianni, Tim. Facebook “defriending” led to double murder, police say. Reuters, 9 Feb. 2010. Web. 12 Feb 2010. <http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/09/us-murders-facebook-tennessee-idUSTRE8182JY20120209>.

Sullivan, Bob. Dad punishes Facebook post with 8 bullets to daughter’s laptop.  Digital Life on Today, 10 Feb. 2010. Web. 12 Feb. 2012. <http://digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/10/10373426-dad-punishes-facebook-post-with-8-bullets-to-daughters-laptop>.