It’s true. I do. I really, really love tofu. But I won’t be able to put it on my license
plates! At least, not in Colorado,
according to Odd
News for today. And that’s
really too bad, because I bet that would make even the grimmest prisoner-for-life
smile a little
as he
stamped out the letters on that license plate. “Heh heh,” he’d growl to himself, “This person loves to expletive me!” And then, after pondering
which of his perky, junkie ex-girlfriends it could be (discounting, of course,
the one for which he was serving time after doing in), he’d probably tell his
fellow inmates all about it, unless he was trying to shank them. I’m not even going to worry about the high
volume of stereotypes worked into that paragraph. I’m just going to wail a bit.
First of all, has our society really become so perverted
that the first thing popping to mind when we see a plate reading “ILVTOFU” is a
sexual pronouncement? When I first read the headline, “Colo. Rejects ‘ILVTOFU’
license plate,” I didn’t get it. What was the big deal? Some
Birkenstock-wearing granola out there loves her some tofu! And then I read the
article.
Here’s what I think happened. This nice woman, who probably
belongs to PETA and voted against the right to bear arms, filled out her
application for vanity plates like a good, law-abiding citizen. Joe Blow at the
DMV received this application. He summarily glanced at it to ensure its
completeness, and then, just as his slender fingers were poised to drop it atop
his towering stack of paper, he caught sight of the vanity proposal.
“Holy expletive!”
he probably shouted, drawing the attention of his fellow cubicle dwellers, most
of who’d been distracted from their fiercely competitive Bejeweled sessions by
his outburst. “You won’t believe this expletive!” He then most likely folded the application
into a tidy paper airplane – not the lame kind that you or I make, with
narrow nub wings and overlong bodies that almost immediately go into tailspin, but
the kind that government lifers know how to make, the kind with upturned wingtips and complicated noses and that sail for office miles and
never get caught in anyone’s hair or take out eyes – which he sailed across the
room for all the payroll on perpetual coffee break to check out. They, in turn,
probably texted their significant others and tweeted their hilarity and status
updated with mobile uploaded images immediately.
Technological Ebola -->
One disappointed vegan.
Sadly, most people are idiots, and no humor is so easily
found as the no-no kind. But this is not the first time an organization has had
to hedge its bets. This type of response is the reason why there are warning
labels on baby strollers that say “Remove infant before folding,” and “This product
does not enable you to fly” on Superman costumes. To be fair, I needed that
last warning on my enormous umbrella after watching Mary Poppins for the umpteenth time.
The brainwashing power of Disney aside, could we just clean
up our acts already? Stop with the child prostitution rings and the drug
running and the theft of stuff you wish you had (like my bicycles in ’94 and
’98) and the putting of plastic bags over babies’ heads and the swallowing of
iPod Shuffles! If we could just get past our incredible inanity, perhaps we
could all sit back and enjoy a bit of mirth at the prominent love one has for
one’s tofu.
Cited article:
i totally read it as I Love Tofu. :) this reminds me of the time my dad, in an attempt to make his car (black, but with a white snow cover) more visible in the winter, spray painted "FU" in huge letters on it. it totally looked like some punk vandalized it! :D
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